Friday, September 29, 2006


i have talked a lot about pinta but heres my 10th class now...
And here am i...

This is real personal stuff so u mite get bored after reading this...

Do I know where to start my film script of all the funny and interesting incidents that I have witnessed in the school?
Well no,
I have lots of these, concerning teachers, principals, students and what not. So I have decided that I am going to write about the movies that could have been made here. And let me name my movie as “Incognito-I”.
Most of the stuff comes out directly from my Diary and some of the fiction came out right from my head.

Just few (hmmm my math has gone awry) months back or maybe a year back (all right!!)
I studied in one of the most respected class of the Kashmiri community i.e. 10th and boy do I remember it like anything.
I was expected to be a matric pass by the end of the year 2005. But I wanted to make a film maybe a horror movie, suspense, thriller, tragedy, action, romance, all such types could have been made. I decided to make an all in one film.

Starting with horror, will I ever forget those creaking footsteps of rather ma’am in the corridor which sent shivers down one’s spine.

“Yes, boys take out your books and those who don’t have one can hang themselves from the fan”,
“ Boys, I am angry, I have been telling you a million times that you boys should get your civics book today and those lucky people who don’t have one may beg, borrow or steal one, I don’t care.”
Maybe I should give rather ma’am the job of a dialogue writer in my film. Then even mughal-e-azam’s Darogaye zindan dialogue will have to bow its head. Or maybe, “legawo is bewakoof ladkey ko aur andheroun mein ghar kar do, ye apni home-work bhool gaya hai.” ( take this fool out of here and lock him up in the dungeons)

Well, this role giving may lead me to trouble when its time for the villain’s role to be handed out. Whom should I give it to. After a lot of thinking it came out to be the carnivorous Kambili sir. With his techniques and personality- I can easily assign a mogambo type character with him.

Do I know him or what. Had Newton still be living today, he would have learnt some more temperature scales other than Celsius, Fahrenheit, and Kelvin etc. like degree Mamoon, degree matoo and all the names of the students whom he wanted to immortalize in the field of science. He is a part of the gang of other male teachers who know how to laugh at absolutely anything. And I have decided to put a nice scene in my film , a scene of kambli sir with shakti kapoor and gulshan groover trying to feed all the back-benchers to the local cat. Poor old cat would desperately need a hajmola box after the feeding time.

Ok, so one scene of the film has the students returning from a picnic
to ( as usual ) Gulamarg . The bus has Durrani ma’am as one of the teachers who would be teaching the students the topography of the roads, “write, where are your rough copies?” . and What do we see upon reaching school? The mighty Titanic.
It had to go to Batmallo with the passengers. I went in as my destination lal chowk came in its way. I had to go to alka-salka. Titanic was too over-crowded and its conductor was shouting, “khas sa path path..” ( move back). Unfortunately the titanic hits a dog near Radio kashmir and starts to sink. Oh no! some how a dinosaur comes and saves all of us. Rest you can see in the film itself
Well this is one scene of 10 hrs film whose writer is me. (Multi function boy I am). It has many such scenes, the most interesting being the tragedy part where prince (the 60 ft deep well boy, remember) disagrees to study and wants to become a shoe-shine instead.
Now moving back to the cast, the action director’s job is assigned to Noor sir whose primary job it would be to create rows for people to stand in and mind you smaller boys in front. He will be also responsible for snacks and nun chai.

Rajni ma’am would be the film teams’ make up artist. She is excellent in making up excuses for the cast so I thought there is no one more suitable for the job.

The toughest thing for me (the director cum actor cum writer) was to assign a job to Roshan-ara ma’am. Finally after a lot of talking it was decided that she would be the producer, you know the job where one has to be perfect and be practiced enough to sign a lot of diaries ( oops I mean cheque).

The graphic designer would be qaiser sir and asrar sir with the computer staff who would definitely create a lot of problems to my monthly electric bill with the games that I expect them to play on the computer

Kawoosa sir who would be acting in a guest appearance ( as amitabh bachan is too costly, our producer said) with the heavy voice of his will definitely bring back old memories. He even will get a song filmed on him.

No film is complete without songs so my songs were written by our urdu teacher-Khurshid ma’am and they were beautiful to listen to. Sung especially by himesh reshamya, they are bound to make a huge impact.

In every 100 films there usually is one in which a politician is there. In my film, the politician is mr. taj. Once I was having a stomach-ache of the extreme type and I was advised by all of my class-mates to go to the ‘health room’. But that trip didn’t help my stomach very much as I was given a calcium tablet. Maybe sir wanted ‘to strengthen the churning bones which are located inside stomachs’

Thapar sir is the munim ji…..the accountant who easily remembers the answers (I mean loans) to the questions ( I mean people)

Last but not the least I want to mention khola ma’am who is the Madhubala of burn hall cinema. No one is the better prepared than her in terms of digital cameras for those rare occasions of life or be it some other emergencies. She is my films banker which can most easily give loans after few conditions are met. And till now when I am a proud director of a great comedy film, she has been my guide (not the dev-anand film).
Some trips to the garden, her way of teaching grammar, and her voice are some of the things that I (possibly) won’t forget.

Actually I forgot to mention the person who gave my film the most support, he is the person from the censor board and is the one who gave me most support, actually the support was from the cane in his hand. We all know him, our principal fr. Maria john. For the taj-mahal scene in my film, the shooting was done at his white office, which will even make the white house feel ashamed. Sometimes he was the cause of the intense thrill when on some rare occasion I used to bunk a class (dil ke armaan ansuwoun mein beh gaye) for the script writing of the film.
Hmmm so I think all roles for tenth class are complete so let me end with this saying:
“khudi ko kar buland itna ki har taqdeer se pehle
Khuda banday se khud poochay bata tery raza kya hai”

Well, this has no connection with films but don’t worry, this is how we end all of our speeches in burn hall so the custom had to live on.

I am extremely sorry if I have hurt some of you or forgotten to mention many of you but our producer says that we are going towards bankruptcy and to have more staff is not acceptable but we will be very happy if you advertise in our film. I suppose you must have enjoyed reading my script for the film, and I promise you some more in the future if the weather permits (now what has weather to do with it). Actually, I have to face a lot of firing after the teachers read this. And this was not meant for general public