Friday, September 29, 2006


i have talked a lot about pinta but heres my 10th class now...
And here am i...

This is real personal stuff so u mite get bored after reading this...

Do I know where to start my film script of all the funny and interesting incidents that I have witnessed in the school?
Well no,
I have lots of these, concerning teachers, principals, students and what not. So I have decided that I am going to write about the movies that could have been made here. And let me name my movie as “Incognito-I”.
Most of the stuff comes out directly from my Diary and some of the fiction came out right from my head.

Just few (hmmm my math has gone awry) months back or maybe a year back (all right!!)
I studied in one of the most respected class of the Kashmiri community i.e. 10th and boy do I remember it like anything.
I was expected to be a matric pass by the end of the year 2005. But I wanted to make a film maybe a horror movie, suspense, thriller, tragedy, action, romance, all such types could have been made. I decided to make an all in one film.

Starting with horror, will I ever forget those creaking footsteps of rather ma’am in the corridor which sent shivers down one’s spine.

“Yes, boys take out your books and those who don’t have one can hang themselves from the fan”,
“ Boys, I am angry, I have been telling you a million times that you boys should get your civics book today and those lucky people who don’t have one may beg, borrow or steal one, I don’t care.”
Maybe I should give rather ma’am the job of a dialogue writer in my film. Then even mughal-e-azam’s Darogaye zindan dialogue will have to bow its head. Or maybe, “legawo is bewakoof ladkey ko aur andheroun mein ghar kar do, ye apni home-work bhool gaya hai.” ( take this fool out of here and lock him up in the dungeons)

Well, this role giving may lead me to trouble when its time for the villain’s role to be handed out. Whom should I give it to. After a lot of thinking it came out to be the carnivorous Kambili sir. With his techniques and personality- I can easily assign a mogambo type character with him.

Do I know him or what. Had Newton still be living today, he would have learnt some more temperature scales other than Celsius, Fahrenheit, and Kelvin etc. like degree Mamoon, degree matoo and all the names of the students whom he wanted to immortalize in the field of science. He is a part of the gang of other male teachers who know how to laugh at absolutely anything. And I have decided to put a nice scene in my film , a scene of kambli sir with shakti kapoor and gulshan groover trying to feed all the back-benchers to the local cat. Poor old cat would desperately need a hajmola box after the feeding time.

Ok, so one scene of the film has the students returning from a picnic
to ( as usual ) Gulamarg . The bus has Durrani ma’am as one of the teachers who would be teaching the students the topography of the roads, “write, where are your rough copies?” . and What do we see upon reaching school? The mighty Titanic.
It had to go to Batmallo with the passengers. I went in as my destination lal chowk came in its way. I had to go to alka-salka. Titanic was too over-crowded and its conductor was shouting, “khas sa path path..” ( move back). Unfortunately the titanic hits a dog near Radio kashmir and starts to sink. Oh no! some how a dinosaur comes and saves all of us. Rest you can see in the film itself
Well this is one scene of 10 hrs film whose writer is me. (Multi function boy I am). It has many such scenes, the most interesting being the tragedy part where prince (the 60 ft deep well boy, remember) disagrees to study and wants to become a shoe-shine instead.
Now moving back to the cast, the action director’s job is assigned to Noor sir whose primary job it would be to create rows for people to stand in and mind you smaller boys in front. He will be also responsible for snacks and nun chai.

Rajni ma’am would be the film teams’ make up artist. She is excellent in making up excuses for the cast so I thought there is no one more suitable for the job.

The toughest thing for me (the director cum actor cum writer) was to assign a job to Roshan-ara ma’am. Finally after a lot of talking it was decided that she would be the producer, you know the job where one has to be perfect and be practiced enough to sign a lot of diaries ( oops I mean cheque).

The graphic designer would be qaiser sir and asrar sir with the computer staff who would definitely create a lot of problems to my monthly electric bill with the games that I expect them to play on the computer

Kawoosa sir who would be acting in a guest appearance ( as amitabh bachan is too costly, our producer said) with the heavy voice of his will definitely bring back old memories. He even will get a song filmed on him.

No film is complete without songs so my songs were written by our urdu teacher-Khurshid ma’am and they were beautiful to listen to. Sung especially by himesh reshamya, they are bound to make a huge impact.

In every 100 films there usually is one in which a politician is there. In my film, the politician is mr. taj. Once I was having a stomach-ache of the extreme type and I was advised by all of my class-mates to go to the ‘health room’. But that trip didn’t help my stomach very much as I was given a calcium tablet. Maybe sir wanted ‘to strengthen the churning bones which are located inside stomachs’

Thapar sir is the munim ji…..the accountant who easily remembers the answers (I mean loans) to the questions ( I mean people)

Last but not the least I want to mention khola ma’am who is the Madhubala of burn hall cinema. No one is the better prepared than her in terms of digital cameras for those rare occasions of life or be it some other emergencies. She is my films banker which can most easily give loans after few conditions are met. And till now when I am a proud director of a great comedy film, she has been my guide (not the dev-anand film).
Some trips to the garden, her way of teaching grammar, and her voice are some of the things that I (possibly) won’t forget.

Actually I forgot to mention the person who gave my film the most support, he is the person from the censor board and is the one who gave me most support, actually the support was from the cane in his hand. We all know him, our principal fr. Maria john. For the taj-mahal scene in my film, the shooting was done at his white office, which will even make the white house feel ashamed. Sometimes he was the cause of the intense thrill when on some rare occasion I used to bunk a class (dil ke armaan ansuwoun mein beh gaye) for the script writing of the film.
Hmmm so I think all roles for tenth class are complete so let me end with this saying:
“khudi ko kar buland itna ki har taqdeer se pehle
Khuda banday se khud poochay bata tery raza kya hai”

Well, this has no connection with films but don’t worry, this is how we end all of our speeches in burn hall so the custom had to live on.

I am extremely sorry if I have hurt some of you or forgotten to mention many of you but our producer says that we are going towards bankruptcy and to have more staff is not acceptable but we will be very happy if you advertise in our film. I suppose you must have enjoyed reading my script for the film, and I promise you some more in the future if the weather permits (now what has weather to do with it). Actually, I have to face a lot of firing after the teachers read this. And this was not meant for general public

Shikas lad (oh dear)

A land of poets…
A valley of peace…(excuse me!!)
But above all Kashmir has shikas lads ( miserly people )
Which are unthankful…

But first an update…

Pinta has just given his matric and now has started offering 5 times namadhEldin bleze has not yet started as it teaches 11th guys when they are in the middle of their 11th i.e the 2nd term…

So for the time for which we wait for pinta’s result, let me state another not-so-interesting incident…

Prof. Mir “Bashir”( literally the one who makes mistakes ) has a particular abhorrence against the jadals( or the misers ) and the shikaslads ( or the intense misers )….
He time and again quotes one Bakshi Saheb ( oh dear he was the prime minister of free kashmir ) who had said:

shikas ladas lari shanguw till gase neri doud…”
( if we sleep next to a miser, we will only end up in giving pain to ourselves)

Speaking of misers, I know one…
He comes to eldin bleze from a far off place ( just about the same place from where I go there )
I have a car at my disposal…
And unfortunately that particular character has a strong affinity for reaching home free…
And still more unfortunately he knows me and I know him…
And really more unfortunately he keeps on hovering over me…
Just like a fly which has seen you having dinner….
Or more like yet another mosquito who keeps on haunting you when you are trying to catch 40 winks…

Enough of comparisions…
That miser: “Mamoon, ghar jana hai?”---- ( do you have to go home?)
Mamoon: “errr!!! Han” ---- ( errr!!! Yup )
That miser: “ me bhi aawoun?” ---- ( Should I come along ?)
Mamoon: (oof) “ accha” à( ok!! )

I agree because my mom has instructed me to be kind to people…
But I see no reason, whatsoever, that the people should take advantage of my kindness…

So I decided to take extreme measures…
I dropped him at a place far away from his home telling him:
“ OH sorry, hai! Aaj mujhe ghar nahin jaana tha, kya meney nahin kaha”
(Oh sorry!! I didn’t have to go home, didn’t I tell u that? )

Then he was forced to spend some money as bus fare…
Actually he gets bus fare everyday from his father but he hoards them and has ( possibly) made a thousand bucks like that….

And do I hate him…

Bashir sir says “shikaslad guw shaikasladey, temis chu panas seth shikas, tel ma aasahay shikas lad”

(a miser is a miser, he has paucity with him, had it not been so then he wouldnt have remained a miser)

so long....

Friday, September 22, 2006

part one

Part one:
Lights on:
Sound on:
Roll camera:
Poor old Pinta, all his friends are deserting him because his parents are not allowing him to take tuitions. They think he is too brilliant to go there lest the teacher might learn something from our Pinta. His father, a doctor, whose case study will surely comeup in the future thinks that his son is a child prodigy. “nechuw chum Einstein”---
(i.e my child is Einstein)


But surely not.

Einstein lived long long before and cannot possibly be dr. sahib’s ( respected doctor’s) son.

Pinta studies in form 10.
Social Science

He wants tuition
For three subjects viz. Math, Science, And Social science…
For Studying
For Passing 10 th class
For a chance to meet some girls (who themselves have somehow convinced their ( or there) parents that tuition is actually a good thing)

The math tuition is ok…all cooperate to solve problems…
Urdu (a real classic Indian language) means the discussion of love poems (Ghazal) which really warms up the place…
Science creates the most problems….

Biology + Co-Ed + ***** = Quite a lovely disturbing atmosphere

Somehow pinta ( our main actor ) shows to his parents that he is a real competitor capable of securing the First position in the finals by studying at the tuitions.
So to help Pinta, His parents get him cable tv.
They want there (or their) son to watch discovery channel and get a real sharp mind (but Pinta has other plans )

The year passes by and the exams approach real quickly, tuitions finished…
Now it is back to the “studying at home” attitude..
Somehow the poor old lad crams everything up and gives his matric ( 10 class )

That surely was a sentimental exam…

All types of mothers waiting for all types of sons and daughters outside all types of exam centres…
For whole 3 hours…
Waiting for their chashmo-chirag (glitter of the eye) to come out and proudly announce that,

“ mummy, paperas kud me duh”—(ie I made smoke out of the question paper)

MA: “ Lagya balai, jigra. Thokmut ha asak. Wal be tuly bag”—(Oh My Darling, You must be so Tired, come let me carry your bag)
PINTA: “me ha asan hatuw manz hath” ---- ( I will have 100 out of 100)
MA: “zoruy wanu, yem baqi faqir maje te ha gasan bozne ki moun gobure kya chu” --- (speak loudly, let these good-for-nothing mothers also hear you)

Everyday some new story and finally the last day of the exam…

Freedom for Pinta
PInta reaches home

Pinta writes a letter which he wants to show to his father..

“hi pa,

I really know you r expecting something from me
But I cant help it if I fail

I have had no time to study…

There were only 365 days in the year..

Saturdays: there are 52 Saturdays in a year ( rest dayz)
We are now left with 313 dayz
Winter holidayz: it was so cold 60 days this year that I couldn’t study…
We have 253 days now
Eight hours I slept that equals 122 days
Oh dear 131 days remaining
One hour playing each day
15 days in total …116 left
Two hours for meals per day
86 days remain
One hour at tuitions every day
71 dayz left
21 days we attend exams
50 days
Marriages, phirsaals, setum duh (kashmiri culture) and Sundays=30 days
20 left
I was ill 5 days
Saw some movies and discovery channel (remember)
5 days
Two eids in a year
3 days
Remember we went to pahalgam for the weekend
0 dayz

Now pa where is the time to study”

part one

JUst An InTRo

MAMOON: “Comedy, Must read it”

“I had a friend who was mine, whom I liked I thought he was fine….
It was my thought, he liked my ways…..
In my absence he hated the days….
He behaved such as if my own…
Up till then kindness he had shown…
I could not bear something wrong….
About my friend to me who belonged….
At last I realized that it was true….
That he did not love me as I do……”

Actually this stuff here is not based upon love, or for that matter betrayal…
This is just one of my own writings which after writing, wrote themselves permanently in my mind.

Me am Qazi Mamoon, Me studies in the form 11 (sometimes called as A level for some fools who don’t understand)…
me live s here Me no doctor…Me will buy a cart and me will go to all places of the world selling peanuts…because me thinks selling peanuts is the simpler job to reach than to become an engineer or a doctor …..but me loves the cold cold air that they enjoy in their offices (of the AC’s)….so me thought to become someone who sweeps their offices….(ain’t I humble, down to earth person for possessing such thoughts)
Now back to the normal mode of communicating:-

I study chemistry at Eldin Bleze….(whatever that meant). Nicely situated at
The hub of Srinagar city (want a more complete address, no problem…here we go

Karan nagar,
South Asia,
The East,
The Earth,
Inner planets,
Solar system,
Milky way,
Local Group,
Local cluster,
Great Attraction,
The universe,
A door to another universe (black hole!!! That’s my theory, you step into one and off you go…)
The other universe with a yet another black hole
And so on…

Now back home (whose theory I have yet to give) things are simpler.
Take my life as an example…
1. I wake up at (mostly) 5.00 in the morning….(I find waking up at night too insulting..)
2. Go to fyzix tuition (that’s my spelling of physics, you must get accustomed to my way of writing)
3. Reach School…My own school and not some girl school…(though I do really wish that)
4. School finishes (actually can finish at any time I decide to wake up the, so called, sleeping volcano that overlooks the school).
5. I reach home by a very beautiful phenomena called bus……not the buse sekolah (school bus in malay) but a property of the state transport..
6. Back home, freshen up, ( I mean I go upstairs and then comfort myself)
7. After making sure no one will see me in the bathroom, I head for the place where I spend another half an hour of my life (doing what????)
8. Then at last I head out for the ELDIN BLEZE:…
To study chemistry…
To laugh madly…
To get moral virtues…
And to get a lot of sweat out from my body…

This is the place
ELdin BLeze

These are the dayz
Read them please….

Mr. Mir Bashir (or Mr. Bashir Mir, whatever the case maybe)
Teaches us unteachables..

And what a master he is in teaching the subject….
He has his own story line, main characters like pinta and pinky (these form comedy nicknames in our Kashmiri culture), supporting cast , villains , action et al.

Pinta is a typical Kashmiri boy who studies in our class (A or 11)
The poor fellow does not study but tries to show that he studies well but if we closely study him, we will study that this so called studying boy does not study at all.
(got it?? If not, its time for you to study English)

And for studying English, you must concentrate, and if you cant, here are some tips…

>> Get a dedicated space, chair, table, lighting and environment>> Avoid your cellphone or telephone>> Put up a sign to avoid being disturbed or interrupted
>> Change the subject you study every one to two hours for variety
>> Do something different from what you've been doing (e.g., walk around if you've been sitting), and in a different area…

And finally use hypnotism if none of the above works..
Try this
And concentrate here..

OK try and concentrate on this… its a constant called pie…

3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510 58209 74944 59230 78164 06286 20899 86280 34825 34211 70679 82148 08651 32823 ...

As a knew you were too curious to skip it and see what was next.,..
Don’t worry I never expect anyone to “OBEY MY COMMANDS”….
And I also happen to know the nature of the human mind

See you later…